It's odd how quickly one person's heart can change. But it's not so odd how quickly mine cannot and how deep and aching and hurtful the pain is. At times I feel the pain so acutely and so forcefully that I literally have to stop what I am doing and just let the emotion run through me. What does that Tuesdays with Morrie quote say? Feel the emotion? Let it run through you? That's how to cope?
And then there are times when I feel so dead inside. Numb. That's where I can run on autopilot and function. I can maybe understand a little why people turn to alcohol, drugs, or other numbing factors to escape the pain and the death. But, as I won't do that, I must continue to feel so hollow and numb.
With experience, I know this pain will eventually go away. But I wish I could rip my heart out and let it feel what it needs to feel without my conscious going through it as well. I wish it were two or three months (I'd even take weeks) from now because the pain wouldn't be so strong and the hurt wouldn't run so deep.
I'll be okay. I know I will. It's just hard to recognize that right now. But I will. I'll be okay. Heaven only knows what I'm supposed to learn from this, but I know I'll be okay because the Lord has never let me down and never failed me. He never will. Other people do and will, but He is constant in His love and support. Thomas S. Monson said, "In reality, no one need stand alone, for a loving Heavenly Father will be by her side to give direction to her life and provide peace and assurance in those quiet moments where loneliness is found and where compassion is needed." I need to have faith in His words.
It's hard to, though, when it hurts so much.
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From "Tuesdays with Morrie:"
"If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them---you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. . . .
"I thought about how often this was needed in every day life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry."
Haylee, I know it sounds trite, but this too shall pass and you'll be able to look back and realize the things you've been through have taught you something.
My suggestion is that you hit something...or smashing something...or punch something...or kick something...or rip something apart. (Constructively, of course.) Letting out physical energy really does relieve a lot of stress...weight you may not even realize is affecting you so deeply physically.
I have this card about stress and the hard times in life...it takes about getting a snowglobe and smashing it with a hammer...not bad advice! ;)
I'm so sorry, Haylee. I wish there was something more I could do. I have kept your name on the Timp and Provo prayer rolls, and will continue to do so. (As well as yours, Jo.) Would you like to go and do baptisms sometime?
Okay, so violence isn't the answer, but perhaps now is a good time to take up that kick boxing or pilates class...??? :)
I'm sorry, Haylee. I wish the best for you. It's the conundrum of love. You have to open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable to experience the true joy of it, but many times it backfires. But we have to do it every time. Love sucks. ;)
Hey, they have really cheap plates at DI. Just a thought.
Just remember, you're starting a fabulous job in August!
ST. GEORGE AND VEGAS, BABY. ST. GEORGE AND VEGAS. :)
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