No worries, this post is not as serious as the title might sound. But, alas, I have been struggling with some conflicting feelings, and I would like to have a forum of thoughts with all of you.
Sometimes I like to be girly. I like to have the anticipation of going out on a date and getting all excited; I like to daydream about Mr. Wonderful; I like to doll myself up and feel pretty; I like to imagine having the wonderful husband-wife relationship, etc. I'll allow my heart to open for these types of possibilities because it is fun.
But then "stuff" happens. The date doesn't call back; Mr. Wonderful isn't in real form; pretty isn't pretty when gorgeous is around; husband-wife relationship seems distant, if non-existent. It is then I close my heart and forbid myself from thinking about anything girly. I can't be hurt or disappointed with my heart closed. A closed heart can turn to a bitter or a cynical heart if left unchecked. I didn't need him; Mr. Wonderful only exists in dreams; there's no one to be pretty for, so why bother?; I'll be okay--even better--on my own.
Where's a good balance? How can I hope when I don't want to be disappointed? Is disappointment part of getting to fulfilled hope? These are all questions I want to answer for myself, but the battle between girly and cynical still goes on inside me.
Huh. I wonder what the answer is.
Maybe I'll just go to bed.
Things always look better after a night's sleep.
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2 comments:
Hope things got better after sleeping. As the writer that I am, I totally loved the reflection in this post. This is one of my new all-time favorite phrases EVER, "pretty isn't pretty when beautiful is around." Awesome. Anyhow, here's my thought. You can't close yourself off entirely, but if you get your hopes up all the time, that's dangerous. I think you need to decide what is best for you. I personally am pretty cautious, but not impenetrable. I dress cute because I want to feel good about myself; I get excited about dates, but always know that there's a 5:1 chance that it will result in nothing. You just have to enjoy it anyways and look at it for what it is--a fun time! I don't know if any of this helping, but I adore you!
As a wise old man once said, "All true love is grounded on esteem." How can you expect someone to love you totally and completely if you don't honor yourself with such love? The type of men you want to attract don't really go for girls who don't love and honor themselves first.
I've thought about similar things these past few weeks...spending time with my parents causes much introspection...and asked myself if I were truly capable of giving something that I in turn cannot fully receive. Can I give a man my deep love when I don't even give that to myself?
And as always, we must rememeber the wizened wisdom of Tennyson, "It is better to have loved and lost, than not to love at all." Open yourself up, Hay. It will hurt, but like you said, disappointment truly is part of fulfilled hope. We must taste some of the bitter to truly appreciate the sweet.
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